EMS JOKES / BLAGUES SMU
Top Ten Lies told by Paramedics
1) Its not my fault, he kept moving.
2) This might stick a little.
3) I did say clear first.
4) I know where I'm going.
5) It's OK, I'll cut along the seams.
6) The ambulance is clean.
7) It's the flue, not a hangover
8) The gloves are for your protection.
9) The patient refused the treatment.
10) I am in it for the money
McCann's "Physicians on scene " Rules
1. Assume all physicians on scene are proctologists until proven
otherwise.
2. In light of rule No.1, never, ever turn your back on a physician on a scene.
3. Approximately 98% of physicians volunteering assistance are intoxicated,
don't really want to volunteer in the first place, but are afraid of looking bad
in front of their spouses and friends, who naturally expect them to offer
assistance.
4. In light of rule No.3, invite them to help in some harmless but
important-seeming activity. Run an ECG strip and ask them to " interpret " it,
or hand them a spare stethoscope and ask them to " assess breath sounds ". Give
them a face-saving way out.
5. If the physician is really starting to annoy you or interferes with
treatment protocols, advise him/her that they must accompany the patient
to the receiving hospital, in the ambulance. Allow them to advise their family
and friends to which hospital the ambulance is going to. Then
enroute (code 3 ) (10-30) change your destination.
Memo to all EMS personnel
To: All EMS Personnel From: Chief of OperationsSubject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
1) Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
2) Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
3) Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to shit), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
4) HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
5) Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
6) Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
7) The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
8) And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.
Sincerely, Director of Human Resources
A code of ethical behavior for patients
1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR PARAMEDIC TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement with the
patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your Paramedic leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. Remember that your Paramedic has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must believe that your Paramedic has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR PARAMEDIC TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. Though the invasive procedure may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of Paramedics and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR PARAMEDIC. The patient-Paramedic relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR PARAMEDIC'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment
Why are an ALS (Advanced Life Support) unit and a porcupine different?
The ALS unit has all the pricks on the inside.
A medic goes to an MVA and finds a Porsche that sideswiped a concrete pillar, tearing the drivers arm off. As the medic is coming at him through the passenger door, the driver is moaning "Oh, my Porsche...Oh, my Porsche, Oh my poor poor Porsche!" The medic says, "Pal, forget about your car, look at your arm." The yuppie looks down where his arm used to be and moans, "Oh my Rolex...Oh, my Rolex!"
Q. What did the Paramedic say to the stroke patient with left side paralysis?
A. You're going to be all right!
Three medics are walking on a beach, taking a break from an ambulance convention on a tropical island. They happen upon an antique bottle and in examining it, they all-too-predictably release the genie trapped inside. He offers them the obligatory three wishes and they agree to split them: one each.
The first medic, an Advanced EMT, says, "I want to be ten times smarter so I can better help my patients!" "A noble wish, Master!", says the genie as he waves his hands. "Granted!" The Advanced EMT is ten times smarter.
The second medic, a Paramedic, says "Well, I would like to be a hundred times smarter, to better help all the patients I have to work on." "Another noble wish!", says the genie and he makes the second medic a hundred times smarter.
The third medic, a Field Supervisor, pipes up and says, "I wish to be a thousand times smarter, in order to best help all the patients that I must care for, genie."
The genie cocks an eyebrow at him and says, "Are you quite sure that that is your wish?" "Yes, that is my wish! A thousand times smarter", asserts the third medic.
"Very well! The most noble wish of all! Granted!!", booms the genie and he waves his hands.
The supervisor is now an EMT.
10 ways to have fun with used airways
- Make long slender ice cubes for those hot summer nights.
- Wear one each of 5 different sizes on the fingers of both hands and pretend to be Freddy Krueger next Halloween.
- You've heard of tin can phones...how about orapharngeal phones?
- Tie or otherwise bind 5 together, drill holes through one side only and pretend to be the Pied Piper.
- On your next suicide call, glue 2 to the victim's head to resemble horns...Tell the coroner the devil made him do it!
- Conversational swizzle sticks!
- Sell them as gag reflex testers.
- They make really neat bubble blowers...Ask the kids!
- Give one to a hard of hearing patient and tell them it's a new kind of hearing aid.
- One Word...Teethers!
Remember to Recycle!
The 10 rules of EMS
by: J. Friberg
Deputy Sheriff/Paramedic ACSO
- Skin signs tell all
- Sick people don't bitch
- Air goes in and out,blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.
- About %70 of the battery patients more than likely deserved it.
- The more equipment you see on a EMTs belt, the newer they are.
- There is no rule six, insert your own.
- When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
- All bleeding, seizures, falls will stop....eventually.
- All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
- If the child is quiet, be scared.
The final rule is.....Its not your emergency, calm down.
