911 Jokes/ Blagues 911
Please send me jokes / SVP, envoyez-moi des blagues
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Dick and Harry are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Harry grabs his chest
and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Dick whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the dispatcher, "I
think Harry is dead. What should I do?"
The dispatcher, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my
instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.
Dick's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"
THE CHIEF OF POLICE LEAPS TALL BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND, IS MORE POWERFUL
THAN A LOCOMOTIVE, IS FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET, WALKS ON WATER, AND GIVES
POLICY TO GOD.
THE ASSISTANT CHIEF LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND, IS MORE POWERFUL
THAN A SWITCH ENGINE, AND IS JUST AS FAST AS A SPEEDING BULLET, WALKS ON WATER
IF IT IS CALM, AND TALKS TO GOD.
THE CAPTAIN LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS WITH A RUNNING START, AND FAVORABLE WIND
CONDITIONS. HE IS ALMOST AS POWERFUL AS A SWITCH ENGINE AND FASTER THAN A
SPEEDING BULLET, WALKS ON WATER OF AN INDOOR POOL, AND TALKS TO GOD IF SPECIAL
REQUEST IS APPROVED.
THE LIEUTENANT BARELY CLEARS QUONSET HUTS, LOSES TUGS OF WAR WITH LOCOMOTIVE,
CAN FIRE A SPEEDING BULLET, SWIMS WELL, AND IS OCCASIONALLY ADDRESSED BY GOD.
THE SERGEANT MAKES HIGH MARKS WHEN TRYING TO LEAP BUILDINGS, IS RUN OVER BY
LOCOMOTIVES, AND SOMETIMES HANDLES A GUN WITHOUT INFLICTING SELF INJURY, CAN DOG
PADDLE, AND TALKS T0 HIMSELF.
A DETECTIVE RUNS INTO BUILDINGS, RECOGNIZES LOCOMOTIVES TWO OUT OF THREE TIMES,
IS ISSUED AMMUNITION, CAN STAY AT AFLOAT IF PROPERLY INSTRUCTED AND TALKS TO
WATER.
THE PATROLMAN FALLS OVER DOOR SILLS WHEN TRYING TO ENTER BUILDINGS, SAYS: "LOOK
AT THE CHOO-CHOO," WETS HIMSELF WITH A WATER PISTOL, AND MUMBLES TO HIMSELF.
THE DISPATCHER LIFTS BUILDINGS END WALK'S UNDER THEM, KICKS LOCOMOTIVES OFF THE
TRACKS, CATCHES SPEEDING BULLETS IN HER TEETH AND CHEWS THEM, AND FREEZES WATER
WITH A SINGLE GLANCE. THE DISPATCHER IS GOD!
DOES YOUR DISPATCHER KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?
(Notice posted for emergency "road" personnel)
YOU may know where you are and what YOU are doing;
GOD may know where you are and what YOU are doing;
BUT, if your DISPATCHER doesn't know where YOU are and what YOU are doing, THEN I hope YOU and GOD are on very good terms!
FROM: Communications Bureau
SUBJECT: Radio Room Reminders
We dispatchers, being 25% mental and 75% professional, give to you our point of
view. Please let it be known that:
1) When you are given a call, we don't care if you are leaving
the East Side of Hell.......JUST GO!
2) When given a call, do not say any sentence that begins with
"Okay, but first hold me out at......". When you are on a self-initiated
call, say so then; not two days later.
3) We CALL tows, we don't drive them and we can't make them
hurry.
4) It's not a plot to get you. When you are responding
to a traffic accident, we really don't know what side of the street the wreck is
on. We don't have crystal ball, x-ray vision or ESP.
5) If we say something is not in the computer, IT'S REALLY
ISN'T.
6) The computers really do go down. And often.
7) WE don't take the calls on the phone. Yes, Officers
there really are Call Takers. Calls actually come up on our call screens
with no descriptions, no call back numbers, and not even next of kin
notification. You can cuss us, but we have a rule: we can't cuss the
Call Takers, or insult their family members.
8) Hang out on your calls, we don't care. But when your
fellow officer in the same sector does it, and you have to respond to his call,
get mad at him.......not us.
9) Know that we DO call you names, just as quick as you call
us names.
10) To All Off Duty Officers: We are not furnished with an off duty
list and we don't know which club you may be working that weekend, since you
club hop more than partying public.
11) To All District Clerks: We are not Call Takers. We are not
Police Officers and you sure as hell are not Dispatchers. If you have a
non-emergency call, use the phone......not the radio.
12) We really do have only 2 hands, 2 feet, 2 ears, and one mouth.
We really don't have an assistant helping us with all your requests, so please
show us a little patients.
13) Emergency traffic means just that. SHUT UP and LISTEN for the
ALL CLEAR!! You would be the first one to raise hell if you were the one
that needed the radio.
14) At shift change, calls do not stop coming in. We don't care if
you pass the call along to the Chief himself as long as it's off our screen.
15) Those radios in you hands have a two-second delay. USE IT.
Your transmissions do break up, and above all.....we TALK on the radio, we don't
work on them. We can't twist our bodies into antennas or
stand on our heads for better reception.
16) We know that some of you get excited and scream. That's okay,
but to those of you who scream to clear for your lunch break, run a plate, asked
for a time check, well..............we reserve those "special calls" (sex
assaults, rollover DUI accidents, DOA's or any other call that has alot of paper)
just for you.
17) And finally........we all have one thing in common. We all must
be a little weird for choosing these jobs, or we wouldn't be here. We respect
the job you do, so please give us that respect in return.
With humor and well wishes,
Be safe.
Your Dispatchers.
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY TO THE PUBLIC BUT CAN'T...
- And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be...?
- Do I sound like a people person?
- This isn't a Comm Center... it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
- I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.
- Sarcasm is just one more customer service benefit we offer.
- You.. off my planet!
- Does your train of thought have a caboose?
- Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
- And what law school did you graduate from, Matlock?
- I'm okay because the voices tell me so.
- Am I getting smart with you? No, I'll keep it on your level.
- And which one of the Seven Dwarfs are you?
- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
- I'd explain it to you, but I'm afraid your brain would explode.
- I'm sorry you got a speeding ticket. You feel you don't deserve it? What, did the officer interrupt your qualifying lap?
- There are two things on Earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity. You don't look like an atomic weapon, so that leaves us with one alternative...
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- Do they ever shut up on your planet?
- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
- How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
- Earth is full. Go home.
- Is it time for your medication or mine?
- Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
- Don't start with me! You won't win.
- WARNING: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
- When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
- Sorry if I sounded interested... I'm not!
- And your point is?
- You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.
- Don't upset me! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
TOP TEN REASONS WHY 9-1-1 IS MORE THAN JUST A JOB:
10. You get a stronger sense of your own humanity by helping others.
9. You get a better feeling about your own loser life compared to
the life stories of pathetic RPs.
8. Chance to meet, date, marry, and divorce a cop.
7. Can do #8 more than once.
6. Fashionable uniform prepares you to be a trend-setter when
polyester comes back in style.
5. Abundance of "challenged" citizens insures job security.
4. Tales told by "mentally evacuated" callers are often more
entertaining than TV.
3. Dealing with the multicultural community allows you to learn
swear words in many different languages.
2. Potential for being "discovered" when media arrives to cover
department screw-ups.
1. Can drive like hell and good chance you'll never get a ticket.
YOU KNOW YOU HAVE
BEEN A DISPATCHER TOO LONG WHEN...
- You answer your home phone "9-1-1, what is your emergency?"
- You spend more on fast food than utilities.
- You see nothing wrong with eating a Taco Bell Grande Meal or pizza at 3 a.m.
- Adult emergency personnel, not related to you, refer to you as mother/father.
- You consider coffee an indispensable work tool.
- You answer your home phone "dispatch".
- You answer dispatch phone "hell" instead of "hello".
- The only thing that gets your adrenaline going is the walk to and from your car.
- You find humor in other people's misery.
- You're only happy if you have something to complain about.
- You consider patience a weakness, not a virtue.
- Your idea of a good night involves someone getting shot, chased or dismembered.
- You have forgotten what it is like to actually eat a warm meal.
- Your dog doesn't recognize you and the kids think you're just the person who drops by every now and then to bring groceries and do the laundry.
- You think it's funny when a would-be suicide gets bored waiting for the gas from the stove to do it's thing and lights a cigarette to pass the time resulting in an explosion that leaves her neighbors homeless but she still survives.
- You truly believe stupidity should be painful.
- If an officer screams over the radio that a nuclear bomb has just detonated, you'd just ask the "20" of the mushroom cloud and assign it an eight digit case number.
- Dinner consist of a 2 liter bottle of soda and whatever you can scrounge out of the vending machine.
- Antacid tablets, or better known as dispatcher candy, become your regular desert.
- You read newspaper accounts of a major incident that occurred during your shift and can point out all the incorrect information...and then laugh about it.
- Family members comment about how nice you "used" to be before you started this job.
- You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac and/or birth control over certain parts of your city.
- You have no idea what a holiday is, other than it's the day when everyone gets drunk and beats up their family members.
- You can carry on more than 4 conversations simultaneously.
- You have the bladder capacity of a tanker truck or of a small third world army.
- You can resume a conversation with coworkers 4 hours later, in mid-sentence and everyone knows what you are talking about.
- You have a long term telephonic relationship with one or more paranoid schizophrenic PTSD suffering relatives of a public official.
- You inform your teenager," I will always know".
- You get impatient listening to people relate a story - You want "just the facts".
- You believe 90% of people can't look up a telephone number.
- You get easily bored with happy, content people.
- You have perfected the phrase "I pay taxes, too".
- You have perfected some witty response to the comment, "I pay your salary!"
- You can talk on the phone, listen to the radio and type request into the computer at the same time without missing anything.
- You think it is funny when a "regular client" kills himself while breaking into a business.
- You can give directions to any location in your city off the top of your head.
- You can relate a 10 minute story over a 2 hour time period, after many interruptions, without losing your place.
- You refuse to allow anyone to say "have a quiet shift".
- You believe that the statement, "It sure is quiet!" will bring down the wrath of god upon you.
- Your friends and neighbors call for legal advice.
- You can give anyone the exact address of every bar in your jurisdiction.
- You question the motives of anyone who makes an effort to get to know you after they learn your profession.
- You know the phone number of every restaurant or business that delivers food, specially late at night.
- You spell everything phonetically.
- You can only tell time on a 24 hour clock.
- You acknowledge your friends and families remarks with the time.
- You have spent time explaning to officers, firefighters or EMTs the difference between a dispatcher and a personal assistant.
- You live in fear of a full moon.
- You are on a first name basis with every crazy lunatic in your jurisdiction.
- You find no comfort in knowing that the equipment that you depend on to do your job and protect others was purchased at the lowest bid possible.
- You respond faster to the name "RADIO" or "CENTRAL" than you do to your own name.
- You find yourself talking to family and friends in codes.
- You hear more alien invasion/abduction stories than Scully and Mulder of the X-Files.
- You have a tendency to giggle at your friends "big" problems.
- You respond 10-4 when told to please pull around to the first window at a fast food restaurant.
- You tell cops where to go without fear.
Voici 5 exemples d'appels reçus pour aiguiser votre patience:
no 5: une femme appelle pour dire qu'elle a fait une sortie de route sur l'autoroute..... le préposé lui demande: etes-vous en direction est ou en direction ouest?
- la conductrice de répondre: je vais pas en nulle part, je suis dans le champs !!!! ( là,je commence a comprendre bien des affaires )
no 4: pendant une grosse accident, je demande au témoin les informations d'usages pour localiser l'appel. Pour terminer, je demande les coordonnés pour le rejoindre au besoin.... qu'elle est votre nom? c'est quoi votre téléphone...?
- le témoin de me répondre: c'est un Motorola.... ( crisse c'est le no que je veux, pas la marque )
no 3: une citoyenne nous avise d'une situation quelqu'on que sur l'autoroute...... je lui demande encore ses coordonnés......encore son no de téléphone pour la rejoindre..... et la citoyenne de me répondre: vous pouvez pas me rejoindre , je suis pas a la maison....
- et moi de reprendre avec un soupire désespéré: bon je reformule la question: c'est quoi votre no de cell ..... ( passons )
no 2: une citoyenne m'appelle pour aviser d'un véhicule en panne sur l'autoroute 15 nord hauteur jean-talon, voie de droite sur les signaux d'urgences....( pour le moment tout va bien ) mais ça se gâche quand je lui demande si elle sait la sorte du véhicule....
- la citoyenne de répondre: je sais pas, je viens de voir ça a la télévision au canal du ministère du transport avec la camera qui focus sur le véhicule. (1 bonne action par jour...telle est sa devise.)
no 1: une citoyenne appelle ma collègue pour aviser du vol de son véhicule..... après les informations d'usages, soit sur elle et sur son véhicule, ma collègue demande si elle a la plaque pour que je puisse alimenter le véhicule volé au système informatique.....
- la citoyenne de répondre: bien non, ils l'ont volé aussi..... (crisse, comme si je m'en doutais pas )
EST CE QUE VOTRE RÉPARTITEUR SAIT OÙ VOUS ÊTES?
(Afficher pour personnel d'urgence "sur la route")
VOUS savez peut-être où vous êtes et ce que vous faites;
DIEU sait peut-être où vous êtes et ce que vous faites;
MAIS, si votre RÉPARTITEUR ne sait pas où vous êtes et ce que vous faites, alors j'espère que VOUS et DIEU êtes en bons termes!
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